Friday, April 15, 2005
i don't know if im feeling down cos of him, or just cos im used to having someone ard. it's unfair. there i was, happily single n minding my own business. and HE was the one who came n be nice n sweet n all. when he asked me to be with him, i already told him i need more time cos i think we're so different. but no, he insisted. and i agreed cos i felt bad to say no. cos he was THE nice guy. then now? im the one feeling so bloody cheated. its cruel the way how people's feelings can just change. and when they change, they'll never go back to what it used to be. its painful. and im hurting now. when i saw him for the last time to return him our rings, i thought i'll wanna slap him or kick him in his balls (if he has any to begin with), but all i did was return the stuff to him, smiled, said bye, turned n walked away. i thought i would have alot of stuff to say to him. maybe tears. but at the moment i just wanted to walk away. there seemed to be no point in doing anything already. nothing else matters when the feelings have faded.
we were two wrong people who got together at the wrong time for the wrong reasons. he liked me when he first saw me, just like that, without even knowing me. and i agreed to him cos he was so nice. somehow we shld have seen this day coming. i don't deny that i never thought of lasting long with him. but its just that after 2 and a half months, breaking up still hurts. it makes me lose faith. lose faith in nice guys, lose faith in relationships. feelings can never NOT change can they? they're bound to change. why shld we even bother to start relationships in the first place. anyway come to think of it, which guy isnt nice when he's trying to woo you. duh.
by the way his handphone has miraculously worked again. right JUST after we broke up. coincidence? fate? on purpose? who knows. i believe that his handphone really just recovered. but i also believe that if he had wanted to in the past, he could have topped up his hi card (when his phone wasnt spoilt yet). besides, if he really wanted to contact me, there are always other ways even without handphone. perhaps if his handphone n sim card didnt spoil we wouldnt have ended up like this. but it already happened. i know there's no point wondering "what ifs" but sometimes i cant help it. what if i didnt take him for granted n treated him better? what if i didnt quit my other job so we still would have met everyday? what if this n what if that. and all the guessing is killing me. but i guess underlying all these superficial problems there were bigger issues lying beneath. we were poles apart in our thinking. we would nv have acheived a true mutual understanding. we were nv truly happy with each other. he was trying to hard to change to be my kind of guy. and i was too busy taking him for granted, thinking that he'll nv leave. we did agree that it's just best for both of us if we broke up. but fuck, im hurting now. i know i'll get over it. but its only been two days.
im angry that he patched with me on sunday only to tell me two days later that he patched with me to ill treat me to make me give up. why im angry is because on sunday when we patched he still could hug n kiss me n tell me he loves me. but its just as well sunday happened. if sunday nv happened i would feel guilty forever thinking that i was the one who singlehandedly ruined the relationship. but now i realised that its the feelings that have changed, and its not just my fault. the guilt is mostly gone but the pain remains. i dunno if he really meant it in the past when he said all the nice things he said. perhaps he meant it, perhaps it was all a facade. only he knows. i keep reliving all the happy memories we had, watching fireworks, watching the stars, the cookies, the heartshaped toasts. but i think he only remembers the bad ones, where i threw my tantrums at him, where we had nothing to say to each other. i know we're not suitable to be together, but somehow im selectively just remembering the happy thoughts. its painful to see it become like this. but at least i know, mr nice guy is never real. and many guys are heartless fuckers.
the whole world says that i'll find someone better. and it's not worth being sad over such a jerk. maybe i deserve better. but that doesnt change the fact that he already hurt me. he says time will heal all wounds (wow i bet that's like the only english saying he knows anyway, probably after practice to various ex gfs), i pray to God that time will ease his guilt n let him learn not to hurt people in this way anymore. i pray that i'll forgive him n let me learn never to take people for granted again. everyone gave me due warning, that he dumped his previous gf to be with me. i just stupidly stepped into the trap. although he didnt leave me for another girl, and we sorta mutually agreed that breaking up is the best solution, 2 and a half months of relationship was not just a plaything to me. he toyed with my feelings (on purpose or not, only he knows), but while im hurt n will recover, he'll just never find a proper relationship because his feelings will always change. the same thing will repeat. i thought he'll learn not to judge a girl by her looks again already, after i turned out to be not his perfect gf. but apparently he still thinks he's goodlooking (which most of u already know that he's not) n still scouting for pretty girls. well i guess pretty girls are ok for him, just dont let them have too much brains to think. cos he cant deal with it. he runs away from his problems, just the way a 17-year-old boy would. when he finally grows up one day, he'll understand why i always wanted to talk nicely to him abt our problems. and why in the end we ended up like that just cos he refused to deal with our problems. all he did was say sorry n sweep the problems under the carpet. hiding them doesnt mean they dont exist my dear boy. i told u i didnt want any apologies. and in the end? u told me u were tired of giving in. speak of irony. speak of not understanding my words to you. advice to all: when u find a lover, find one of your same intellect n frequency. the lack of proper communication might just be the demise of your relationship, just like how it was to mine.
Friday, April 15, 2005
i don't know if im feeling down cos of him, or just cos im used to having someone ard. it's unfair. there i was, happily single n minding my own business. and HE was the one who came n be nice n sweet n all. when he asked me to be with him, i already told him i need more time cos i think we're so different. but no, he insisted. and i agreed cos i felt bad to say no. cos he was THE nice guy. then now? im the one feeling so bloody cheated. its cruel the way how people's feelings can just change. and when they change, they'll never go back to what it used to be. its painful. and im hurting now. when i saw him for the last time to return him our rings, i thought i'll wanna slap him or kick him in his balls (if he has any to begin with), but all i did was return the stuff to him, smiled, said bye, turned n walked away. i thought i would have alot of stuff to say to him. maybe tears. but at the moment i just wanted to walk away. there seemed to be no point in doing anything already. nothing else matters when the feelings have faded.
we were two wrong people who got together at the wrong time for the wrong reasons. he liked me when he first saw me, just like that, without even knowing me. and i agreed to him cos he was so nice. somehow we shld have seen this day coming. i don't deny that i never thought of lasting long with him. but its just that after 2 and a half months, breaking up still hurts. it makes me lose faith. lose faith in nice guys, lose faith in relationships. feelings can never NOT change can they? they're bound to change. why shld we even bother to start relationships in the first place. anyway come to think of it, which guy isnt nice when he's trying to woo you. duh.
by the way his handphone has miraculously worked again. right JUST after we broke up. coincidence? fate? on purpose? who knows. i believe that his handphone really just recovered. but i also believe that if he had wanted to in the past, he could have topped up his hi card (when his phone wasnt spoilt yet). besides, if he really wanted to contact me, there are always other ways even without handphone. perhaps if his handphone n sim card didnt spoil we wouldnt have ended up like this. but it already happened. i know there's no point wondering "what ifs" but sometimes i cant help it. what if i didnt take him for granted n treated him better? what if i didnt quit my other job so we still would have met everyday? what if this n what if that. and all the guessing is killing me. but i guess underlying all these superficial problems there were bigger issues lying beneath. we were poles apart in our thinking. we would nv have acheived a true mutual understanding. we were nv truly happy with each other. he was trying to hard to change to be my kind of guy. and i was too busy taking him for granted, thinking that he'll nv leave. we did agree that it's just best for both of us if we broke up. but fuck, im hurting now. i know i'll get over it. but its only been two days.
im angry that he patched with me on sunday only to tell me two days later that he patched with me to ill treat me to make me give up. why im angry is because on sunday when we patched he still could hug n kiss me n tell me he loves me. but its just as well sunday happened. if sunday nv happened i would feel guilty forever thinking that i was the one who singlehandedly ruined the relationship. but now i realised that its the feelings that have changed, and its not just my fault. the guilt is mostly gone but the pain remains. i dunno if he really meant it in the past when he said all the nice things he said. perhaps he meant it, perhaps it was all a facade. only he knows. i keep reliving all the happy memories we had, watching fireworks, watching the stars, the cookies, the heartshaped toasts. but i think he only remembers the bad ones, where i threw my tantrums at him, where we had nothing to say to each other. i know we're not suitable to be together, but somehow im selectively just remembering the happy thoughts. its painful to see it become like this. but at least i know, mr nice guy is never real. and many guys are heartless fuckers.
the whole world says that i'll find someone better. and it's not worth being sad over such a jerk. maybe i deserve better. but that doesnt change the fact that he already hurt me. he says time will heal all wounds (wow i bet that's like the only english saying he knows anyway, probably after practice to various ex gfs), i pray to God that time will ease his guilt n let him learn not to hurt people in this way anymore. i pray that i'll forgive him n let me learn never to take people for granted again. everyone gave me due warning, that he dumped his previous gf to be with me. i just stupidly stepped into the trap. although he didnt leave me for another girl, and we sorta mutually agreed that breaking up is the best solution, 2 and a half months of relationship was not just a plaything to me. he toyed with my feelings (on purpose or not, only he knows), but while im hurt n will recover, he'll just never find a proper relationship because his feelings will always change. the same thing will repeat. i thought he'll learn not to judge a girl by her looks again already, after i turned out to be not his perfect gf. but apparently he still thinks he's goodlooking (which most of u already know that he's not) n still scouting for pretty girls. well i guess pretty girls are ok for him, just dont let them have too much brains to think. cos he cant deal with it. he runs away from his problems, just the way a 17-year-old boy would. when he finally grows up one day, he'll understand why i always wanted to talk nicely to him abt our problems. and why in the end we ended up like that just cos he refused to deal with our problems. all he did was say sorry n sweep the problems under the carpet. hiding them doesnt mean they dont exist my dear boy. i told u i didnt want any apologies. and in the end? u told me u were tired of giving in. speak of irony. speak of not understanding my words to you. advice to all: when u find a lover, find one of your same intellect n frequency. the lack of proper communication might just be the demise of your relationship, just like how it was to mine.
