Beautifully Broken

Thursday, April 28, 2005

am back from tioman! (: pictures will be up really soon

yesterday was exactly two weeks from the darn breakup. im actually quite freaked that the after effects are lasting for so long. i mean, i was expecting to get over it in days or something. even in tioman i was reminded of him. how he wanted us to go for a holiday together, how we played ard in the sea. wtf right. im not only living in memories, im almost creating them by wondering what would it be like if he was here with me. the issue is, i no longer shed any tears for him, neither do i want to get together with him at all anymore. i guess its just the issue of what it could have been. but of course, yesterday (almost like it was pre-planned for me to read this) i read in a mag what some guy said "there's no point in wondering 'what ifs' in life, it's like, if my aunt has balls, she'd be my uncle" ah.. how intriguing.

anyways his friends (aka my ex colleagues) are sooo... i dunno how to put it. it's like before we got together they didnt even warn me? and now these are some of their comments:
jake: he's just a friend in title. never judge a book by its cover. u know, he looks like the mildest among us all, but almost all his ex gfs had the same ending.
jeremy: haiyar, you know he's like that. look at how he dumped his ex gf to be with you. (me protesting that they were having problems anyway n his ex gf was a flirt) huh? his ex gf flirt meh? not really wad!

and then something hit me all of a sudden. all along my notions of him having problems with his ex n how his ex is this real big flirt, these notions were all planted in my head by him. BUT, it never occurred to me, what if all these werent true? what if she was really nice n he just dumped her in a bastardish manner?! i mean, im relieved that there wasnt a third party in my relationship with him, but the thought of the possibility of me being their third party in the past? fuck.

teresa asked me to just 'play the field' to distract myself, meaning i should just play with the guys ard me. but then i questioned why would i want to make someone else go through what i've been going through these past few days, it's never a nice feeling to be played. and teresa was like "damn you have a conscience" ha - ha yes i do.

my friend just broke up with his gf, after a week. i think he got played by the girl (although of cos i don't dare to tell him that, the harsh realities of life suck) and now i have to deal with consoling him. ME consoling someone else feeling down. maybe it's therapeutic, somehow saying all the advice out to someone else makes me believe in them more. but i think i realise how mankind is fundamentally self-centred. you'll never feel the pinch unless it's your own problems. it's like, you can care for your friends' problems, you can stand by them n show them the support, but at the end of the day, it probably doesnt bother you half as much as it bothers the victim itself. tell me if its just me being pessimistic, but i think it's the unpleasant truth.

i think being in a girls' sch in secondary school n an almost all-girls' class in jc has somehow affected the way im taking things now. i don't deny that my own pride is taking a toll on me. most of the time im not feeling sad anymore, just indignant. the indignance of why i seem to be more affected by the breakup, why after two weeks i still remember some of the hurt. even when i was still in the relationship (any relationship in fact), my pride prevents me from giving in, from admitting that i was wrong. overwhelming pride does hurt sometimes i guess.

which also leads me to think of another issue. a girl's ability to be independent. i can hardly believe that in practically all three of my past relationships, at one point in time, there was the issue of the guy telling me that i'm too NOT dependent on them. honestly, what were they expecting me to do, faint every five seconds? or act the meek gentle little lamb to satisfy your larger-than-your-brain ego? i have a suggestion: go hide n eat yourself.

2:14 PM

Friday, April 22, 2005

typed smu hottie's name in google search for the heck of it during draggy work hours. wtf. he's in team singapore for water polo. (hence, hot washboard abs bod: check) some guys just have it all. at the back of my head, there's this teeny voice saying "oh whatever. such seemingly perfect guys MUST be bastards." haha oh wells.

11:28 AM

Thursday, April 21, 2005

due to serious repercussions after late night tv shows, am currently unable to write coherent sentences. hence shall resort to the broadly accepted presentation technique - point form.

- am back in dreary office now at 12 plus when evryone else is out for lunch (which explains why i can blog). just had second interview for lee kong chian scholarship at smu. yawns
- this is the part for worth getting excited about. i just met the most gorgeous guy (LOOKS: check) i've ever met at smu! apparently he's a student there but he was on the panel of judges for our scholarship (therefore, BRAINS: check). he's probably mixed or eurasian (cute children in future: check) and omg he was really damn hot (super toned bod: check). okok i admit i actually assumed the super hot bod under his smart white buttoned shirt, but still, i could tell thru the shirt alright. he was really quite quiet during the interview (wise thinker: check) whereas his fellow not-so-good-looking school mate asked so many questions (groans) but im serious, he's like prince charming. i'll probably never get to see him again unless i really go to smu! sniff.
- in case you were wondering (after the previous point), yes im better from the darn breakup already. but yesterday i made the mistake of walking past the restaurant we went for our first month anniversary n walking past the cinema we always go to for movies.. sighs (mental note: will just hide at home with the next bf i find so that when we break up i wun keep getting reminded of him everywhere i go)
- am really going for diving cum chilling-out trip to tioman! with jieyun (: my fav primary sch friend since p1! am staying in the best 5star resort there n going to the most beautiful beach. wahaha. of course, MORE gorgeous hunks to come!

meanwhile... back to office (my boss's back!) n day dreaming of the smu hottie.

12:37 PM

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

am dying from research in office right now. staring at taiwanese websites and their unsimplified chinese words. not that i cant read chinese. but its just... yawns.

anyways, was back from class chalet a couple of days ago. the chalet was beeeeg. and i realised i didnt even go upstairs to look?! xtina was such a great host anyways, doing practically evrything! sorry girl, i really would have offered more help if i wasnt in that crappy mood over some arse-you-know-who-hole. too bad i missed the chicken kebabs ):

i have concluded that i'm totally unfit and am turning into some fat accumulating barrel now. despite booking the courts for two hours, due to unforeseen circumstances such as nancy's period woes, we only squashed for less than an hour. and guess wad, my arm is aching already. how pathetic is that. not to mention that as im typing, in a desperate attempt to stay awake during work (abeit not very useful), im drinking milo n choco baby n crystal jade buns. (yes girls, the signs of recovery from a broken relationship, im getting back my horrifying appetite!) before that it was like i had totally no mood for eating nor shopping! now, THAT was something serious. (now i sound like a total bimbo)

i'm getting better these days. did not drop a tear since sunday (despite horrible sudden multiple breakdowns on saturday). his hi card has ran out of cash again, just as well, then i'm forced not to contact him at all. the only problem now is that, i seem to keep dreaming of him, not that i can help it. even indirectly he'll appear in my dreams somehow (for example i'll dream of someone else talking to me abt our breaking up). no wonder it's always in the morning when i feel like crap. but i really gotta thank him for something though. cos of him (cos i uncontrollably cried at home), i actually talked to my mum abt this. and finally after so many years i told her all abt my relationships. (ok so i left out the fact that the first one was abusive n i lied that this latest one is only ONE year younger, but not that the past matters anymore right) so after so many years of unspoken 'hidden' boyfriends, suddenly evrything came to light! good for the mother-daughter bonding thingy huh. for the record my mum doesnt even like him as a guy after all that i told her anyway. she thinks he's too indecisive n too young. think her exact words (in cantonese) were "huh it's so unlike you to be with such a guy!" hrmm. right.

alright, bastardish guys aside, i shld be going diving this sunday till next week! havent asked for leave though, shit. tentatively it might be at tioman. think beaches, sun, tan, scenery, good food and hunks! haha anyone wanna come? im going with my relatives but my mum asked if i wanna bring any friends. its just a few days, short trip, really affordable. deciding on korea trip in june. might be going back to hk too. it all depends. this is good, i totally need a break.

oh and thanks girls for the encouraging (and a little outraged) tags.. haha
cand: guys are really weird arent they? we really shld meet up soon by the way
xtina: yes please go ahead n shoot him. as gory as possible please.
geri: haha thanks i know he's not worth it. guys suck. haha

meanwhile i shall go back to taiwan real estate and choco baby. i love my job.

10:33 AM

Friday, April 15, 2005

i don't know if im feeling down cos of him, or just cos im used to having someone ard. it's unfair. there i was, happily single n minding my own business. and HE was the one who came n be nice n sweet n all. when he asked me to be with him, i already told him i need more time cos i think we're so different. but no, he insisted. and i agreed cos i felt bad to say no. cos he was THE nice guy. then now? im the one feeling so bloody cheated. its cruel the way how people's feelings can just change. and when they change, they'll never go back to what it used to be. its painful. and im hurting now. when i saw him for the last time to return him our rings, i thought i'll wanna slap him or kick him in his balls (if he has any to begin with), but all i did was return the stuff to him, smiled, said bye, turned n walked away. i thought i would have alot of stuff to say to him. maybe tears. but at the moment i just wanted to walk away. there seemed to be no point in doing anything already. nothing else matters when the feelings have faded.

we were two wrong people who got together at the wrong time for the wrong reasons. he liked me when he first saw me, just like that, without even knowing me. and i agreed to him cos he was so nice. somehow we shld have seen this day coming. i don't deny that i never thought of lasting long with him. but its just that after 2 and a half months, breaking up still hurts. it makes me lose faith. lose faith in nice guys, lose faith in relationships. feelings can never NOT change can they? they're bound to change. why shld we even bother to start relationships in the first place. anyway come to think of it, which guy isnt nice when he's trying to woo you. duh.

by the way his handphone has miraculously worked again. right JUST after we broke up. coincidence? fate? on purpose? who knows. i believe that his handphone really just recovered. but i also believe that if he had wanted to in the past, he could have topped up his hi card (when his phone wasnt spoilt yet). besides, if he really wanted to contact me, there are always other ways even without handphone. perhaps if his handphone n sim card didnt spoil we wouldnt have ended up like this. but it already happened. i know there's no point wondering "what ifs" but sometimes i cant help it. what if i didnt take him for granted n treated him better? what if i didnt quit my other job so we still would have met everyday? what if this n what if that. and all the guessing is killing me. but i guess underlying all these superficial problems there were bigger issues lying beneath. we were poles apart in our thinking. we would nv have acheived a true mutual understanding. we were nv truly happy with each other. he was trying to hard to change to be my kind of guy. and i was too busy taking him for granted, thinking that he'll nv leave. we did agree that it's just best for both of us if we broke up. but fuck, im hurting now. i know i'll get over it. but its only been two days.

im angry that he patched with me on sunday only to tell me two days later that he patched with me to ill treat me to make me give up. why im angry is because on sunday when we patched he still could hug n kiss me n tell me he loves me. but its just as well sunday happened. if sunday nv happened i would feel guilty forever thinking that i was the one who singlehandedly ruined the relationship. but now i realised that its the feelings that have changed, and its not just my fault. the guilt is mostly gone but the pain remains. i dunno if he really meant it in the past when he said all the nice things he said. perhaps he meant it, perhaps it was all a facade. only he knows. i keep reliving all the happy memories we had, watching fireworks, watching the stars, the cookies, the heartshaped toasts. but i think he only remembers the bad ones, where i threw my tantrums at him, where we had nothing to say to each other. i know we're not suitable to be together, but somehow im selectively just remembering the happy thoughts. its painful to see it become like this. but at least i know, mr nice guy is never real. and many guys are heartless fuckers.

the whole world says that i'll find someone better. and it's not worth being sad over such a jerk. maybe i deserve better. but that doesnt change the fact that he already hurt me. he says time will heal all wounds (wow i bet that's like the only english saying he knows anyway, probably after practice to various ex gfs), i pray to God that time will ease his guilt n let him learn not to hurt people in this way anymore. i pray that i'll forgive him n let me learn never to take people for granted again. everyone gave me due warning, that he dumped his previous gf to be with me. i just stupidly stepped into the trap. although he didnt leave me for another girl, and we sorta mutually agreed that breaking up is the best solution, 2 and a half months of relationship was not just a plaything to me. he toyed with my feelings (on purpose or not, only he knows), but while im hurt n will recover, he'll just never find a proper relationship because his feelings will always change. the same thing will repeat. i thought he'll learn not to judge a girl by her looks again already, after i turned out to be not his perfect gf. but apparently he still thinks he's goodlooking (which most of u already know that he's not) n still scouting for pretty girls. well i guess pretty girls are ok for him, just dont let them have too much brains to think. cos he cant deal with it. he runs away from his problems, just the way a 17-year-old boy would. when he finally grows up one day, he'll understand why i always wanted to talk nicely to him abt our problems. and why in the end we ended up like that just cos he refused to deal with our problems. all he did was say sorry n sweep the problems under the carpet. hiding them doesnt mean they dont exist my dear boy. i told u i didnt want any apologies. and in the end? u told me u were tired of giving in. speak of irony. speak of not understanding my words to you. advice to all: when u find a lover, find one of your same intellect n frequency. the lack of proper communication might just be the demise of your relationship, just like how it was to mine.

9:29 AM

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

screw all that i said about being nice n whatever shit crap. we just broke up and he's a complete fucker cum air head. how on earth did i get myself into that.

yes im pissed, furious, hurt, sad, whatever all at once. and i have the right to be.

3:54 PM

Monday, April 11, 2005

i did it.
i successfully stepped over the limits of his patience and he exploded. majorly.
no there was no conventional arguments, no screaming or shouting, no hurling of insults, no slaps, no nothing. he simply told me over the phone calmly (or stone-ly, as usual) that he was tired. tired of giving in, tired of finding ways to appease my anger, tired of being paranoid that i'll elope with some other guy. and then, he DISAPPEARED. then came all the guilt n tears n "what now?!", coupled with mad impulsive suggestions by various helpful individuals -

peiqin - wait for him under his block the whole day! we can bring mahjong table n play while waiting!!!
me - erm. i dunno his address. and i dunno how to play mahjong (sinks into depression n guilt mode again)

teresa - rush down to his chalet to find him!!! (he was apparently at a chalet, and teresa got his friend's number from me n called to check the address) yes rush down to the chalet to confront him! and by the way can we stop by KFC first?
me - he'll think i'm psychotic!! noooo!! and WHAT kfc.

brenda - just dump him. there're many pebbles on the beach. just flirt with many many guys so that you won't commit too much emotions to one!
me - *blank look

zexi - write him snail mails! (cos his hp got problem, cant contact) send him nice stuff! go look for him! do nice stuff!
me - (same old problem) i dunno his address. (sinks back into "what now" mode once again)

alan - it was all your fault la. who ask you to treat him so badly! zao zhi ru ci, he bi dang chu!
me - yes yes yes. so NOW WHAT.

there were loads of other advice offered in good-will to me. too many to mention. thanks for being there for me when i was such a wreck. haha esp to peiqin who sacrificed her sleep n talked to me till 5plus am n came down to meet me. and teresa who talked to me tons of times in person n also over phone (even arguing with roy indirectly cos of my experience. oops) brenda for your very cynical but encouraging advice. zexi n alan for offering a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on and erm also to beat him up if i wanted to. etc etc. many many people. thanks dears! you are all so nice! (: and thank God for listening to my prayers.

well anyways now the whole thing's blown over. he miraculously just suddenly wasn't unhappy anymore n we're more or less alright now. i know teresa might kill me if she reads this but somehow i still feel abit weird. maybe cos i still dont get to talk to him often n his damn phone's down. lack of communication. oh wells. the troubles of not being single. so all single people out there, cherish your status and have as much fun as possible while you can!

by the way, if you guys are free during lunch hours n will be near city hall or bugis, call me for lunch! i need lunch kakis! (peiqin go work soon! i want laksa!)

11:14 PM

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

it's been quite a while since i last blogged. have changed jobs to become the typical getting-fat OL. so am currently having two jobs now. the previous job is part time for me now. hrmm.. am going for SMU interview tomorrow, not that i wanted to go SMU, but since i cast a big net (aka apply for all three universities), there's no reason to waste my 15bucks application n not go for the interview.

so, met pq for lunch at suntec today. LAKSA. there was an odd contrast though. pq being the sophiscated receptionist in her cool black flowy skirt. me being the bored n getting fat OL in shirt pants n sneakers. oh wells.

been picking quarrels with him lately. doesnt help that we're of rather different frequencies. i suspect PMS is attacking me prematurely. im picking fights over stuff thats not even his fault. and as usual he's too nice n accomodating. i have a friend who asks me to be more understanding. UNDERSTANDING. yes, i shall learn that. goody good.

so, who's going for the class chalet? haha (:

12:11 AM

reaching the big two
loves God, loves home, loves life
law school

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