Thursday, April 28, 2005
am back from tioman! (: pictures will be up really soon
yesterday was exactly two weeks from the darn breakup. im actually quite freaked that the after effects are lasting for so long. i mean, i was expecting to get over it in days or something. even in tioman i was reminded of him. how he wanted us to go for a holiday together, how we played ard in the sea. wtf right. im not only living in memories, im almost creating them by wondering what would it be like if he was here with me. the issue is, i no longer shed any tears for him, neither do i want to get together with him at all anymore. i guess its just the issue of what it could have been. but of course, yesterday (almost like it was pre-planned for me to read this) i read in a mag what some guy said "there's no point in wondering 'what ifs' in life, it's like, if my aunt has balls, she'd be my uncle" ah.. how intriguing.
anyways his friends (aka my ex colleagues) are sooo... i dunno how to put it. it's like before we got together they didnt even warn me? and now these are some of their comments:
jake: he's just a friend in title. never judge a book by its cover. u know, he looks like the mildest among us all, but almost all his ex gfs had the same ending.
jeremy: haiyar, you know he's like that. look at how he dumped his ex gf to be with you. (me protesting that they were having problems anyway n his ex gf was a flirt) huh? his ex gf flirt meh? not really wad!
and then something hit me all of a sudden. all along my notions of him having problems with his ex n how his ex is this real big flirt, these notions were all planted in my head by him. BUT, it never occurred to me, what if all these werent true? what if she was really nice n he just dumped her in a bastardish manner?! i mean, im relieved that there wasnt a third party in my relationship with him, but the thought of the possibility of me being their third party in the past? fuck.
teresa asked me to just 'play the field' to distract myself, meaning i should just play with the guys ard me. but then i questioned why would i want to make someone else go through what i've been going through these past few days, it's never a nice feeling to be played. and teresa was like "damn you have a conscience" ha - ha yes i do.
my friend just broke up with his gf, after a week. i think he got played by the girl (although of cos i don't dare to tell him that, the harsh realities of life suck) and now i have to deal with consoling him. ME consoling someone else feeling down. maybe it's therapeutic, somehow saying all the advice out to someone else makes me believe in them more. but i think i realise how mankind is fundamentally self-centred. you'll never feel the pinch unless it's your own problems. it's like, you can care for your friends' problems, you can stand by them n show them the support, but at the end of the day, it probably doesnt bother you half as much as it bothers the victim itself. tell me if its just me being pessimistic, but i think it's the unpleasant truth.
i think being in a girls' sch in secondary school n an almost all-girls' class in jc has somehow affected the way im taking things now. i don't deny that my own pride is taking a toll on me. most of the time im not feeling sad anymore, just indignant. the indignance of why i seem to be more affected by the breakup, why after two weeks i still remember some of the hurt. even when i was still in the relationship (any relationship in fact), my pride prevents me from giving in, from admitting that i was wrong. overwhelming pride does hurt sometimes i guess.
which also leads me to think of another issue. a girl's ability to be independent. i can hardly believe that in practically all three of my past relationships, at one point in time, there was the issue of the guy telling me that i'm too NOT dependent on them. honestly, what were they expecting me to do, faint every five seconds? or act the meek gentle little lamb to satisfy your larger-than-your-brain ego? i have a suggestion: go hide n eat yourself.
Thursday, April 28, 2005
am back from tioman! (: pictures will be up really soon
yesterday was exactly two weeks from the darn breakup. im actually quite freaked that the after effects are lasting for so long. i mean, i was expecting to get over it in days or something. even in tioman i was reminded of him. how he wanted us to go for a holiday together, how we played ard in the sea. wtf right. im not only living in memories, im almost creating them by wondering what would it be like if he was here with me. the issue is, i no longer shed any tears for him, neither do i want to get together with him at all anymore. i guess its just the issue of what it could have been. but of course, yesterday (almost like it was pre-planned for me to read this) i read in a mag what some guy said "there's no point in wondering 'what ifs' in life, it's like, if my aunt has balls, she'd be my uncle" ah.. how intriguing.
anyways his friends (aka my ex colleagues) are sooo... i dunno how to put it. it's like before we got together they didnt even warn me? and now these are some of their comments:
jake: he's just a friend in title. never judge a book by its cover. u know, he looks like the mildest among us all, but almost all his ex gfs had the same ending.
jeremy: haiyar, you know he's like that. look at how he dumped his ex gf to be with you. (me protesting that they were having problems anyway n his ex gf was a flirt) huh? his ex gf flirt meh? not really wad!
and then something hit me all of a sudden. all along my notions of him having problems with his ex n how his ex is this real big flirt, these notions were all planted in my head by him. BUT, it never occurred to me, what if all these werent true? what if she was really nice n he just dumped her in a bastardish manner?! i mean, im relieved that there wasnt a third party in my relationship with him, but the thought of the possibility of me being their third party in the past? fuck.
teresa asked me to just 'play the field' to distract myself, meaning i should just play with the guys ard me. but then i questioned why would i want to make someone else go through what i've been going through these past few days, it's never a nice feeling to be played. and teresa was like "damn you have a conscience" ha - ha yes i do.
my friend just broke up with his gf, after a week. i think he got played by the girl (although of cos i don't dare to tell him that, the harsh realities of life suck) and now i have to deal with consoling him. ME consoling someone else feeling down. maybe it's therapeutic, somehow saying all the advice out to someone else makes me believe in them more. but i think i realise how mankind is fundamentally self-centred. you'll never feel the pinch unless it's your own problems. it's like, you can care for your friends' problems, you can stand by them n show them the support, but at the end of the day, it probably doesnt bother you half as much as it bothers the victim itself. tell me if its just me being pessimistic, but i think it's the unpleasant truth.
i think being in a girls' sch in secondary school n an almost all-girls' class in jc has somehow affected the way im taking things now. i don't deny that my own pride is taking a toll on me. most of the time im not feeling sad anymore, just indignant. the indignance of why i seem to be more affected by the breakup, why after two weeks i still remember some of the hurt. even when i was still in the relationship (any relationship in fact), my pride prevents me from giving in, from admitting that i was wrong. overwhelming pride does hurt sometimes i guess.
which also leads me to think of another issue. a girl's ability to be independent. i can hardly believe that in practically all three of my past relationships, at one point in time, there was the issue of the guy telling me that i'm too NOT dependent on them. honestly, what were they expecting me to do, faint every five seconds? or act the meek gentle little lamb to satisfy your larger-than-your-brain ego? i have a suggestion: go hide n eat yourself.
